Here is another of Dear ol' Dad's Very Grim Fairy Tails.
JERK and the Bean Burrito Stalk - Once upon a time in the land of Kentucky lived a boy named Finn who lived withd his elderly Dear ol' Dad. Their family was very poor... so poor, in fact, that they could not afford the very basics of life, like food.
One day, Dad said to Finn "Son, we need food so very badly... I want you to take the fatted Bitty to town and sell her at the market place for whatever gold coins you can get for her." So Finn grabbed the fatted Bitty and headed into the town, sure he would get enough gold to feed the family for many months.
It was a long walk to town and Finn was getting very thirsty, so he stopped at well on the side of the road. While he was taking his fill of the cool water, a strange man stopped and said "Ah... what fine and fat Bitty you have. What do you plan to do with her?"
"My Dear ol' Dad has sent me to town to sell this fatted Bitty at the market so we may buy much food!" said young Finn.
"Well", said the man, "I would be willling to trade this magic bean burrito for your Bitty. If you bury the burrito in your yard, a field of bean burritos will grow and you and your family could eat for a year."
"SOLD!!!" cried the young, but retarded, Finn
Upon returning home, Finn was very excited to show Dad his prize. He explained what had happened and he was shocked to see that Dad was not happy... instead he was VERY ANGRY!!
"You traded our ONLY fatted Bitty for this worthless burrito??? YOU IDIOT!!! Its is NOT magic and we don't have salsa or sour cream!!!" And with that, Dad tossed the burrito out the window and into the side yard. Finn was broken hearted, but no smarter! He cried himself to sleep.
The next morning Finn awoke hungry and still sad. He decided to see if any of the burrito could be salvaged for breakfast. His search was met with amazement as Finn was face to flour tortilla with a GIANT BEAN BURRITO that reached to the sky and through the clouds!! "HOLY CRAP ON A KAISER ROLL" cried Finn!!
In an instant he knew he needed to see where the giant burrito would lead.
Some hours later, Finn climbed through the clouds and the burrito ended in a strange place he had never seen before. In the distance... Finn could see a giant castle. As he hiked towards the castle... Finn could hear a very loud voice in the distance, "FOO, FI, FEE, FUMBASS... I smell the sweat of a hillybilly dumbass!! Be he a hick or a country bumpkin... I'll fry his meat and eat it with pumpkin!!"
"Hmmmm... " thought Finn, "where there is pumpkin, there is bound to be more food.I bet I could fill my pockets and napsack with food enough to make up for giving away the fatted Bitty and make Dad proud!!"
With that Finn walked up to the castle. Just before entering, he heard the beautiful voice of an angel. There was a sign that said "Trespassers will be eaten at first sight" and it was signed "the Giant Dingus".
Finn was more curious than ever, as he had never seen a giant dingus and wanted to know where that wonderous voice was coming from. Once inside the giant castle of the giant dingus... Finn climbed up on the table. There were dog biscuits as big as a tree and kibble so deep a boy could drown in it. "I am surely in heaven" Finn thought. Just when he thought he had witnessed EVERYTHING... he heard a voice from behind him...
"HEY STUPID.. you gonna help me get out of this cage or do I have to do it myself?" Finn turned to find a beautiful golden chin locked in a golden cage. He was stunned by her beauty... but she was a bit of a bitch. "Excuse me, RETARD! Do you think you could stop drooling on your shoe and GET ME OUT OF HERE??"
"Fair maiden... are you trapped in the cage??"
"No, Einstein... I can walk out any time I want... I LOVE singing Lady Gaga tunes and cutting the poop out of the fur of the Giant Dingus! YES, MR OBVIOUS, I AM TRAPPED!!"
Finn went right to work trying to free the golden chin. The entire time he told her of his adventure, selling the fatted Bitty and the bean buritto.
"You're not the sharpest tack in the box... are you, Bosco???" said the golden chin, who was very rude. Finn finally got the lock picked and the golden chin was free.
"Golden Chin, come back to Kentucky with me and we will marry. I will take enough gold and kibble from the giant dingus that you, I and Dear ol' Dad can live happily ever after!!"
"YEA, that sounds like heaven... you pea brained, retard, half monkey, hill jack!! Based on our conversations up to this point... what makes you think I would let you scratch my ass, let alone marry you???"
Just then... they heard the MOST HORRIBLE roar ever in the history of the world "FLINT, FLANT, FLUME, FLICK... bring back my golden chin, you tiny dick!! You can hide and you can run but I'll eat you whole on sesame seed bun!!!" THE GIANT DINGUS WAS BACK!!!
FInn and the golden chin ran through past the dingus and out the door. Finn had packed his napsack with gold and food and it slowed him down considerably. "COME ON, HALF WIT!!!" screamed the golden chin... "Beat feet or you're dead meat!!!"
They ran all the way back up the path and to the giant bean burrito. As they started to climb down, they could hear the giant dingus hot on their trail. Once at the bottom of the burrito, Finn grabbed a spork and began to chip away at the burrito. Layers of bean, cheese and onion poured onto the side yard. After a short time, the burrito began to sway with the weight of the dingus at the top. Suddenly, the burrito folded and fell downward into the yard. The dingus fell with it and, upon contact, exploded into a massive pile of poop that was tossed everywhere.
A year later... the dingus poop had made the land fertile and crops florished everywhere the eye could see. The village prospered and beans where a plenty. Young Finn and the golden chin were married and had a litter of three strong babies. Dear ol' Dad was finally rich enough to afford both sour cream and salsa. He even could afford to buy back the fatted Bitty from the odd man at the watering hole... at a sizeable markup.
Sadly, Finn took his own life shortly after he went mad from listening to the golden chins continous BITCHING. His life insurance policy paid of handsomely and his childen never wanted or needed a thing. The moral of the story is... be cautious of those things shiney and beautiful because they can cause the shit to reign down on your world and leave you six feet under!
JERK and the Bean Burrito Stalk - Once upon a time in the land of Kentucky lived a boy named Finn who lived withd his elderly Dear ol' Dad. Their family was very poor... so poor, in fact, that they could not afford the very basics of life, like food.
One day, Dad said to Finn "Son, we need food so very badly... I want you to take the fatted Bitty to town and sell her at the market place for whatever gold coins you can get for her." So Finn grabbed the fatted Bitty and headed into the town, sure he would get enough gold to feed the family for many months.
It was a long walk to town and Finn was getting very thirsty, so he stopped at well on the side of the road. While he was taking his fill of the cool water, a strange man stopped and said "Ah... what fine and fat Bitty you have. What do you plan to do with her?"
"My Dear ol' Dad has sent me to town to sell this fatted Bitty at the market so we may buy much food!" said young Finn.
"Well", said the man, "I would be willling to trade this magic bean burrito for your Bitty. If you bury the burrito in your yard, a field of bean burritos will grow and you and your family could eat for a year."
"SOLD!!!" cried the young, but retarded, Finn
Upon returning home, Finn was very excited to show Dad his prize. He explained what had happened and he was shocked to see that Dad was not happy... instead he was VERY ANGRY!!
"You traded our ONLY fatted Bitty for this worthless burrito??? YOU IDIOT!!! Its is NOT magic and we don't have salsa or sour cream!!!" And with that, Dad tossed the burrito out the window and into the side yard. Finn was broken hearted, but no smarter! He cried himself to sleep.
The next morning Finn awoke hungry and still sad. He decided to see if any of the burrito could be salvaged for breakfast. His search was met with amazement as Finn was face to flour tortilla with a GIANT BEAN BURRITO that reached to the sky and through the clouds!! "HOLY CRAP ON A KAISER ROLL" cried Finn!!
In an instant he knew he needed to see where the giant burrito would lead.
Some hours later, Finn climbed through the clouds and the burrito ended in a strange place he had never seen before. In the distance... Finn could see a giant castle. As he hiked towards the castle... Finn could hear a very loud voice in the distance, "FOO, FI, FEE, FUMBASS... I smell the sweat of a hillybilly dumbass!! Be he a hick or a country bumpkin... I'll fry his meat and eat it with pumpkin!!"
"Hmmmm... " thought Finn, "where there is pumpkin, there is bound to be more food.I bet I could fill my pockets and napsack with food enough to make up for giving away the fatted Bitty and make Dad proud!!"
With that Finn walked up to the castle. Just before entering, he heard the beautiful voice of an angel. There was a sign that said "Trespassers will be eaten at first sight" and it was signed "the Giant Dingus".
Finn was more curious than ever, as he had never seen a giant dingus and wanted to know where that wonderous voice was coming from. Once inside the giant castle of the giant dingus... Finn climbed up on the table. There were dog biscuits as big as a tree and kibble so deep a boy could drown in it. "I am surely in heaven" Finn thought. Just when he thought he had witnessed EVERYTHING... he heard a voice from behind him...
"HEY STUPID.. you gonna help me get out of this cage or do I have to do it myself?" Finn turned to find a beautiful golden chin locked in a golden cage. He was stunned by her beauty... but she was a bit of a bitch. "Excuse me, RETARD! Do you think you could stop drooling on your shoe and GET ME OUT OF HERE??"
"Fair maiden... are you trapped in the cage??"
"No, Einstein... I can walk out any time I want... I LOVE singing Lady Gaga tunes and cutting the poop out of the fur of the Giant Dingus! YES, MR OBVIOUS, I AM TRAPPED!!"
Finn went right to work trying to free the golden chin. The entire time he told her of his adventure, selling the fatted Bitty and the bean buritto.
"You're not the sharpest tack in the box... are you, Bosco???" said the golden chin, who was very rude. Finn finally got the lock picked and the golden chin was free.
"Golden Chin, come back to Kentucky with me and we will marry. I will take enough gold and kibble from the giant dingus that you, I and Dear ol' Dad can live happily ever after!!"
"YEA, that sounds like heaven... you pea brained, retard, half monkey, hill jack!! Based on our conversations up to this point... what makes you think I would let you scratch my ass, let alone marry you???"
Just then... they heard the MOST HORRIBLE roar ever in the history of the world "FLINT, FLANT, FLUME, FLICK... bring back my golden chin, you tiny dick!! You can hide and you can run but I'll eat you whole on sesame seed bun!!!" THE GIANT DINGUS WAS BACK!!!
FInn and the golden chin ran through past the dingus and out the door. Finn had packed his napsack with gold and food and it slowed him down considerably. "COME ON, HALF WIT!!!" screamed the golden chin... "Beat feet or you're dead meat!!!"
They ran all the way back up the path and to the giant bean burrito. As they started to climb down, they could hear the giant dingus hot on their trail. Once at the bottom of the burrito, Finn grabbed a spork and began to chip away at the burrito. Layers of bean, cheese and onion poured onto the side yard. After a short time, the burrito began to sway with the weight of the dingus at the top. Suddenly, the burrito folded and fell downward into the yard. The dingus fell with it and, upon contact, exploded into a massive pile of poop that was tossed everywhere.
A year later... the dingus poop had made the land fertile and crops florished everywhere the eye could see. The village prospered and beans where a plenty. Young Finn and the golden chin were married and had a litter of three strong babies. Dear ol' Dad was finally rich enough to afford both sour cream and salsa. He even could afford to buy back the fatted Bitty from the odd man at the watering hole... at a sizeable markup.
Sadly, Finn took his own life shortly after he went mad from listening to the golden chins continous BITCHING. His life insurance policy paid of handsomely and his childen never wanted or needed a thing. The moral of the story is... be cautious of those things shiney and beautiful because they can cause the shit to reign down on your world and leave you six feet under!