Happy Monday, Friends. Dad tells us stories, sometimes. Most of them are all about ME and all the pretend adventures I've had in his mind. A lot of them are so CHINcredible that they can only be describes as fairy tales. Here are just a few stories that Dad has told me over the years...
Little Red Riding May - Little sweet Red Riding May was on her way to visit her Grandma Bitty. Grandma Bitty had an awful weight problem and May was bringing her some SlimFast and a box of Shake Weights. On the way, she was chased by the Big Bad Dingus who trapped them all in Grandma's house. Actually... Grandma had gotten a little too wide to fit through the doggy door, so they were trapped with half of her fat ass in and half out of the cottage. If it wasn't for the bravery of the passing Dear ol' Woodsman, who swooped in and dispatched the dirty Dingus to an early grave... Red and Grandma might have met their untimely end!!!
Finnsel and Sophtel - The story of a beautiful chin and her snaggle-toothed, retarded brother who get lost in the backyard of their home. They had left a trail of Lay's BBQ chips to find their way back to the Chin Cave but those were quickly eaten by a roaming Fat Bitty... so the trail was lost. Wandering through the woods, they came across a house made of Popeye's Fried Chicken!!! So, they started to eat the house when suddenly the Wicked old Dingus of the Forest... who was dressed as a kindly old hound dog (that smelled REALLY BAD and had the IQ of a rock)... invited them in for shelter and a nice batch of peanutbutter cookies! Once inside, Sophtel was forced to be a maid while the Dingus tried to fatten Finnsel up so he could eat him! WELL... one thing lead to another and Sophtel saved her dimwitted brother, broke him out of the cage and they tricked the Dingus by pushing him into the oven. Then they ate the Dingus with the Popeyes Mashed Potatoes and Gravy that ran freely from the faucets of the home!
Humplestiltskin- A beautiful maiden Chin was born to a sad and poor Dear ol' Dad, who had no way to support her. So... the Dear ol' Dad went to the Dingus King and told him that his daughter could spin chin hair to golden ropes. Because he was the Dingus King, he was easily fooled and locked away the maiden Chin saying "If you spin me a spool of golden ropes from this pile of chin hair... I will give you half my Kingdom". Well... there was no way she could do this, regardless how badly she wanted to give her Dear ol' Dad a better life for all he had sacrificed for her. As she sat at the spinning wheel crying... a strange little dog appeared out of nowhere. He was long furred with horrible breath and a teeth that would have made a dentist cringe with fear. "Why so sad, maiden?" questioned the super creepy little man dog. "I have promised to spin this chin hair into gold and I cannot... so I will not inherit half the Kingdom from the Dingus King".
The odd little creeper dog spoke in a riddle, "I can spin the spool times three, if a promise you can grant to me!!!" Well the maiden wanted so badly to help her Dad that she blindly agreed to the terms. Sure enough, the little gross and dirty smelling dog of little intelligence ran up to the spinning wheel and humped it for 5 minutes straight... and POOF... the chin hair was turned to three spools of golden rope. "THAT IS SOME F%#KED UP SH*T", thought the maiden!
The next morning the Dingus King unlocked the door and was amazed at the sight of three golden spools or of rope. He lived up to his side of the bargin and signed over half his Kingdom to the maiden. The maiden moved in with her Dear ol' Dad and they lived the next year as happy as two people could be!
On the one year anniversary of the "chin hair to gold" miracle... the odd little dog appeared at the maidens door, "Remember me, oh fair maiden??? I am here to collect my wish from you."
Cautious by innocent... the maiden asked "What wish can I grant for you, sir?", to which the freaky little dog answered "Well... Its time for my annual humpfest and I'm here to collect!!"
"OH NO!!!", said the maiden, "Thats mighty gross, seeing as you're just nasty and smelly and have breath like a dead skunk at a pile of burning tires that were soaked in poop juice...isn't there some way I can get out of this???"
"Well", said the retarded freak dog, "To avoid my humping game... you need only to speak my name!!!"
This seemed easy enough, so the maiden guessed "Sparky... Rufus.. Mr. Twinkie... Rover... Spot"... she guessed well over a thousand names but none were right. "I will return to thee and hump you in the woods when the clock strikes THREE"... and then the really gross and stinky dog vanished.
Well the maiden was beside herself and tried to think of what name this mistake of nature could have been given. Just then, Dear ol' Dad walked in and said "Who the Hell was that leaving here?" The maiden told him her story and Dad said "As I passed him he was singing this little song... Humple, Humple, Humple do! At three oclock I'll be humping YOU. I'll do my magic humpty dance and I'll do it again... cause you'll never guess my name is HUMPLESTILTSKIN!!!"
So, at three oclock the little odd dog appeared and before he could say a word.. .the maiden shouted out "You'll not hump me once or hump me again because your name is not Rover or Scruffy... you are HUMPLESTILTSKIN". "SON OF A WALRUS!!" he shouted and... just before he vanished... he turned into a handsome Prince. "WTF!!!" shouted the maiden. "Well", said Dear ol' Dad, "the moral of the story is... A Prince in the Bag is worth a Hump in the Woods!!".
These are just three of the many tales Dad has told... there are many more. Look for another segment of our bedtime stories as the week progresses!!!
Good night my Children (of the Corn),
Sophie
Little Red Riding May - Little sweet Red Riding May was on her way to visit her Grandma Bitty. Grandma Bitty had an awful weight problem and May was bringing her some SlimFast and a box of Shake Weights. On the way, she was chased by the Big Bad Dingus who trapped them all in Grandma's house. Actually... Grandma had gotten a little too wide to fit through the doggy door, so they were trapped with half of her fat ass in and half out of the cottage. If it wasn't for the bravery of the passing Dear ol' Woodsman, who swooped in and dispatched the dirty Dingus to an early grave... Red and Grandma might have met their untimely end!!!
Finnsel and Sophtel - The story of a beautiful chin and her snaggle-toothed, retarded brother who get lost in the backyard of their home. They had left a trail of Lay's BBQ chips to find their way back to the Chin Cave but those were quickly eaten by a roaming Fat Bitty... so the trail was lost. Wandering through the woods, they came across a house made of Popeye's Fried Chicken!!! So, they started to eat the house when suddenly the Wicked old Dingus of the Forest... who was dressed as a kindly old hound dog (that smelled REALLY BAD and had the IQ of a rock)... invited them in for shelter and a nice batch of peanutbutter cookies! Once inside, Sophtel was forced to be a maid while the Dingus tried to fatten Finnsel up so he could eat him! WELL... one thing lead to another and Sophtel saved her dimwitted brother, broke him out of the cage and they tricked the Dingus by pushing him into the oven. Then they ate the Dingus with the Popeyes Mashed Potatoes and Gravy that ran freely from the faucets of the home!
Humplestiltskin- A beautiful maiden Chin was born to a sad and poor Dear ol' Dad, who had no way to support her. So... the Dear ol' Dad went to the Dingus King and told him that his daughter could spin chin hair to golden ropes. Because he was the Dingus King, he was easily fooled and locked away the maiden Chin saying "If you spin me a spool of golden ropes from this pile of chin hair... I will give you half my Kingdom". Well... there was no way she could do this, regardless how badly she wanted to give her Dear ol' Dad a better life for all he had sacrificed for her. As she sat at the spinning wheel crying... a strange little dog appeared out of nowhere. He was long furred with horrible breath and a teeth that would have made a dentist cringe with fear. "Why so sad, maiden?" questioned the super creepy little man dog. "I have promised to spin this chin hair into gold and I cannot... so I will not inherit half the Kingdom from the Dingus King".
The odd little creeper dog spoke in a riddle, "I can spin the spool times three, if a promise you can grant to me!!!" Well the maiden wanted so badly to help her Dad that she blindly agreed to the terms. Sure enough, the little gross and dirty smelling dog of little intelligence ran up to the spinning wheel and humped it for 5 minutes straight... and POOF... the chin hair was turned to three spools of golden rope. "THAT IS SOME F%#KED UP SH*T", thought the maiden!
The next morning the Dingus King unlocked the door and was amazed at the sight of three golden spools or of rope. He lived up to his side of the bargin and signed over half his Kingdom to the maiden. The maiden moved in with her Dear ol' Dad and they lived the next year as happy as two people could be!
On the one year anniversary of the "chin hair to gold" miracle... the odd little dog appeared at the maidens door, "Remember me, oh fair maiden??? I am here to collect my wish from you."
Cautious by innocent... the maiden asked "What wish can I grant for you, sir?", to which the freaky little dog answered "Well... Its time for my annual humpfest and I'm here to collect!!"
"OH NO!!!", said the maiden, "Thats mighty gross, seeing as you're just nasty and smelly and have breath like a dead skunk at a pile of burning tires that were soaked in poop juice...isn't there some way I can get out of this???"
"Well", said the retarded freak dog, "To avoid my humping game... you need only to speak my name!!!"
This seemed easy enough, so the maiden guessed "Sparky... Rufus.. Mr. Twinkie... Rover... Spot"... she guessed well over a thousand names but none were right. "I will return to thee and hump you in the woods when the clock strikes THREE"... and then the really gross and stinky dog vanished.
Well the maiden was beside herself and tried to think of what name this mistake of nature could have been given. Just then, Dear ol' Dad walked in and said "Who the Hell was that leaving here?" The maiden told him her story and Dad said "As I passed him he was singing this little song... Humple, Humple, Humple do! At three oclock I'll be humping YOU. I'll do my magic humpty dance and I'll do it again... cause you'll never guess my name is HUMPLESTILTSKIN!!!"
So, at three oclock the little odd dog appeared and before he could say a word.. .the maiden shouted out "You'll not hump me once or hump me again because your name is not Rover or Scruffy... you are HUMPLESTILTSKIN". "SON OF A WALRUS!!" he shouted and... just before he vanished... he turned into a handsome Prince. "WTF!!!" shouted the maiden. "Well", said Dear ol' Dad, "the moral of the story is... A Prince in the Bag is worth a Hump in the Woods!!".
These are just three of the many tales Dad has told... there are many more. Look for another segment of our bedtime stories as the week progresses!!!
Good night my Children (of the Corn),
Sophie